Van Nuys

This is currently my own state of mind...I have not posted in a long time to those that know me....this song means the world to me listen to it understand it and understand the world of addiction

Coffee threats

Well, here I am to post so my coffee isn't stolen from under my nose. However, my coffee pot decided to stop working this morning... Sucks. Might have to get a new one or settle with a little four cup maker.

Went grocery shopping this morning at Sam's club--NO COFFEE. Made me sad. Very sad. So then had to go to one of the Wal-marts to get coffee from McDonalds. UGH.

Like a suu~rge~een...


Sorry. Not very random today. Stupid ipod isn't working!! Oh, on a happier note--got my computer cleaned entirely. SUCCESSFULLY this time. So much free space. Had to of course re-download practically half the shit I had yesterday before the clean.

I'd be putting more of my good mp3s on my hard drive atm if my ipod would work. Just stays in "do not disconnect" mode.

You all didn't invite me into your blog to rant about stupid stuff that goes on in my day. You invited me for squirrel randomness. Which--I sadly, can't provide today. Maybe tomorrow. Or the day after. Dunno.

Bastard Sam's club and their lack of coffee.... Pfft. I'll kick their coffee hating behinds. They don't even sell Maxwell House brand coffee! ;3; COMMUNISTS!! *shakes fists into the air angrily*


Buh-bye for now

~RiC@

ZACH AND LAURA PART TWO

+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
yea but it HURT YOU
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
did you not read the part wher ei MADE AN ACCEPTION for you?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
or did you skim over that part?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Yes...yes it did hurt. and yes i did read that part... And it makes me so happy i can't belive it
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
WHY did it hurt you though?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i mean shit
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i told you all of this
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
and it was hard as hell
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
and then it ends up hurting you
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know....Its just....the idea of you....with.....It hurts....and theres no way its going to stop hurting for the forseable future....But I needed to hear that...I needed to know why...and...i accept them...
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Thank you
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
can i see you?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
the idea of me with jamie hurts you?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Yes...
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
its hard to explain
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
then try
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i did
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Can i see you first?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Please
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
no
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
this is not a bargain
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
you either tell me or you don't
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I will
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Okay, lets me try
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
You see. I love you, and the thought of someone else getting your love....it pains me...i know it was back then and i know your over him. And i know you can't love me right now. I accept that. Im so glad that your alright with me loving you. Its just the idea that you would willingly give someone what is as you've put it unlikely to ever happen, it hurts. the thought that you loved someone, and ca
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i never that it is unlikely to ever happen again
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i said NOW
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
n't love me, it hurts, but i don't blame you and i don't expact you to love me until your ready to, if that ever happens. And i meant with us.. not ever again, and i know not now, i would never expect that from you now. Does that clear things up at all?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
yea
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
And?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
and?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
you asked "and?" im asking the same
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
since thats a really good reason to ask it
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
nio
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
i want to know what you think about it
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i understand why you're pained by jamie and i
but at the same time
i find it ridculous

Ok so - Imma posting a convo zach and i are having...

Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Well you remember when you told me that the odds of this becoming serious were increadably slim?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
yes - and it all depends on how you define serious. but continue
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Well to me that sounded like you have no hope for this
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
thats not exactly what i meant
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
it is me being realistic
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know. but still....it was pesimistic
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
sorry
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
and it hurt
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
im sorry
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
thinking you held no hope for this
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
It hurt a lot...
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
it's not that i don't. what i meant was the whole long long term thing freaked/freaks me out. i don't want to ever lead you on
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
but im sorry
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know you are....and im not trying to think of the future, but to me that sounded like you didn't think there even could be one. im not saying there will be, im not saying there won't. but im not weighing the odds
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
that is my effort in trying to live in the now when it involves me and other people
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
with my own - seperate future that only i can control i plan for that. but not when it has to do with other people as well
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I understand. But to me that said "This can never be" like you didn't even acknolage that it could be. Im not being unrealistic, im just not thinking of the odds.
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know the whole idea of a serious relationship freaks you out....and i acknolage and respect it.
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
but you don't UNDERSTAND it
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
you know where it comes from and why
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
but you don't understand it
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know that it makes you scared of being hurt again...and you cope with that by not keeping your hopes up.
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
it's not that that's how i cope persay
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
it's how i prevent
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
.....i....i see....and i think i understand
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
..
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
tell me how you're interperating this?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i can't clarify anything unless i know that
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Well....im not going to lie..is sounds like to keep yourself from being hurt you keep your heart locked away, And refuse to love anyone. and i don't blame you for that....
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
kinda
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
not that i refuse
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i kinda forget how
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
and lack the urge
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i dunno how to explain it right
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
you don't want to love?...
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
no it's not like that
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i want to...i just i dunno
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
can't
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
You can't love anymore?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
that sounds morbid
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Yeah. a lot
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
yea
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
god this is hard to explain
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Please. I would help so much...
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
It*
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
ok, imma going to try
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
don't reply until im done
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
k
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
infact, turn around and when i am i shall send you a nudge
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
Ok so, i know that i;ve told you how i felt when jamie and i spilt. but now i shall go into full and complete detail. no holding back on how i felt. We had lasted almost a year, litterall 2 weeks off. I loved him so god damn much that when we spilt i felt unwhole. like part of me was missing. He became a part of me. Hell, even Mr.Carlson called him my other half. I cried every day, more th
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
more than once i day when we spilt. even when my mom took me to the spa in cour d'lane; i cried not during the massage but after - any time i was alone i did. I took the dog for a walk and cried. everday day. I felt like a wanted to get hit by a truck or something (not kill myself. that would be stupid) I couldn't eat, i went from 111ish to about 90 in a week or so. Sleeping became harder too
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
to do. I cried until i puked numerous times; or nearly puked. It had to be one of the hardest things i went through. Right up there with my grandma's death. I mean, this boy was with me when my dog died, when my bird died. he was my first true love and if given the chance i would have stayed with him until i died. I would have fucked him for god sake. He was the one who declined. (good on
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
(good on him)
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
imagin how all of that loos would affect you?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
having part of you die and break and then have to put all of that back together and fill the void left with something new - something good and healthy. It hurts more than the body (like the stuff I told you - that heals faster) but the mind. it leaves a scar there. You can be totally over the person (like i am) but it still hurts. it changes your point of view on things - lots of things.
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
but i made an acception for you. fuck even opening myself up to dating you was hard. very very hard. and yes. learning HOW to love is hard and will take - as i realized - longer than i thought it would. In my head i though that after i was over jamie that it would be easy to love again. it isn't. not in the least. the first time came to me so easily it was almost flawless; i mean we
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
started dating 9 days into the school year. It is so hard to love again. so hard and frankly i don't want to try to force it along by even thinking about it. thinking about my numerous mental flaws when it comes to the entire ide aof love and how lame i am when it comes to it hurts. like i mean hurts. It makes me feel like such a failure. I mean shit, i feel like a failure over this.
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
something that came so easily before i can't even muster up the want to put energy into thinking about how to love again - but i do anyways which hurts. The idea of you loving me - I'm chill with. But the idea of me romantically loving anyone is hard to do and hurts me to do.

You have just sent a nudge.

You may not send a nudge that often.

Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
done......
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
and?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
.......
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
whats "..." mean?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I...
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
/
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
???
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
That...
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
that is?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Thats hurt more than anything you've ever said to me.....
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
But
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
....

You have stopped viewing webcam with Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways.

Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
whats wrong
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
next time i should just say sorry and be done with it
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
No
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
That needed to be said
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
don't apologize
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
can i see you again?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Please...
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
no
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
please finish what you were going to say before
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I.....I understand....that needed to be said....That hurt more than anything you've ever said before, hearing that you offered yourself to him...and that you would have stayed with him until....But now i understand...i understand why you don't...why you don't love me. And....I accept it...or at least ill try as best i can. You said that loving anyone now would hurt you...I don't want you to hurt
from loving me if you ever do

Life is strange sometimes...

Have you ever noticed that...

The minute you decide to go put some shorts on, the weather just has to turn cold? Or when you put something warm on, it just suddenly turns into dessert weather?

The waiter at the restaurant always has to bring your food the second you get up to go to the bathroom?

The time when you really need something, it just has to mysteriously dissappear? and yet when you don't need it, it always seems to be in your way?

The attractive girl/guy who you are interested in always seems to come to you the moment you decide to move on?

When you are thinking about calling somebody, that very person calls you up before you get the chance to?

You are always the last one to get the memo about the changed plans for the costume party and end up being the only one to show up fully costumed?

That wrong numbers never seem to be busy but yet when you really need to reach somebody, they never seem to answer their phone?

Existiental dilema?

Ok that's the best thing I can think of to describe what I'm going through at the moment. I seem to feel like I have little reason here for existing. Not saying I want to end my existance or anything, that's out of the question. But right now I just feel like I have little reason for being here. It's not even that though, I just feel like my life really doesn't hold that much value and that I don't feel capable of going places. I've been having this nightmare ever since I entered highschool. Don't know if it's just a fear or if it actually speaks the truth.

You see, I'm the kid who never does well in classes even though I'm plenty intelligent enough. I feel terrible about this everyday because I could be getting high nineties and acing school. I just have so much trouble with it and it is hell for me because I have a learning disability. I've never been good at school although IQ tests reveal that I'm near being gifted. It just doesn't make sense. I feel like a complete failure because I can't get above a 65 in most of my classes. I have no motivation whatsoever to do homework. Every time I sit down to it, I get overwhelmingly anxious and think that I'll never get it done. This anxiety is so bad that I usually end up having to abandon the work because I'm too worked up to even look at it. I've denied this problem for so many years and now it's so bad that there seems to be no hope in fixing it.

It's horrible because I have a little brother who really looks up to me and sees me as one of the most important people in his life. How can I ever be a good role model if I can't even do good in school? I also have younger friends to set a good example for. I want them to do good in school and stay out of trouble, but how can I say that when I can't even do it myself?

Philosophical banter from the pie.

This journey we call life is certainly not an easy one. It has it's ups and downs. Good times and bad times. Life is like a roller coaster. At times it can be like a freaking stomach dropping, death defying Six Flags number, other times it can be a merely mellow childern's ride that can put you to sleep or piss you off because it's so boring. Sometimes the ride can be so overwhelming and intense that it will make you lose your lunch and think about pulling the emergency stop button. The only problem is that life doesn't come with an emergency stop. There really is no way of exiting the ride until you reach the end. Unless of course, you decide to squeeze yourself out of the restraints, but let's not even go there.

What is the true meaning of life you may ask. Well, there really is no exact answer. And no answer is right or wrong either. In fact, everybody has their own differents answers. Life is not something that is quatitative and can be measured like mathematics. It depends purely upon the individual. Two people can have drastically different views based upon their own personal values and experiences. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having different views than somebody else. Everybody experiences the ride differently. Some may be scared by it and others may be amused. Whatever your reaction though, just sit back and enjoy the ride. You only get one ticket so you might as well just let it thrill you and chill you, instead of hating it.

Angels really do show up in the strangest of places...

Bonus points if you can guess what the title is a reference to (*pokes* wolf you should know this).

Anyways, I'd just like to share with you guys an interesting little experience I had on friday. Now friday as most of you know was in fact my birthday. For some reason, for as long as I can remember, I'm never truely happy on my birthday. Perhaps it has something to do with my self image or of past events, I don't know. This year though was a pleasant surprise. Hopefully it will help me to change my attitude about my birthday and be happy like I should be.

So I got to school already in a sour mood. Being the idiot I am, I decided to put off my homework to the last minute and ended up not getting it done. I decided that I was going to sit down in the main foyer for a couple of minutes to cool off before I head off to class. At the table beside me, there just happens to be this guy sitting there. He smiles at me he starts talking to me about my laptop. I was a little weary at first because most of the people who have randomly talked to me at that school have had other more sinister intentions. But this guy was different. He just wanted to talk to me and had no other intention besides that. And by talk to me, I mean show me stuff in the nerdiest most awesome way possible :D. He was such a sweetheart and it truely did brighten up my day. He was my birthday angel. Gave me that little sense of hope that no matter how much people may hate you or scorn upon you, there are still individuals out there that will appreciate you for who you are and see past your differences.

Something I made (A FAKE!!)

(I hope you can read that...)

Obviously, this isn't a real error message. I like to make these out of random, thought I would get a giggle out of everyone here. Clearly, it didn't work for me and I'm the one that made it. So, I hope you get a chuckle out of it.


~RiC@

Still alive

In more of a meh mood than anything else, but still alive.




~RiC@

Gnomie, gnomie

Ok since the blog seems to have been killed with angry rants, I'm gonna bring some positive energy back into it...bonus points if you can erm guess what's erm lurking in the back of your closet...

Meh

I'm fat. No one thinks I am. I was believed to be a size zero....
Ok Laura, Let's try to talk about what you really came here for.

So, last night my locker was broken into, and filled top to bottom with toliet paper. Lots of people think it's funny. and I guess it is, but it also hurts to know that people hate me enough to go into part of my personal space and violate it simply because I am happy at school.

I mean mother fucker, is something wrong with me at least FUCKING ACTING HAPPY IF I'M NOT???? CAN I NOT EVEN GET AWAY WITH THAT? And even when I am happy, it annoys people enough for them to hate me...God I hate people.

Sure, I am annoying, and there are some kids at my school I find annoying too, none I hate really. they annoy me but i would never go into their personal space and do anything to it. I wouldn't fuck up their lock making it nearly impossible to get into their locker. (BTW THANK YOU JAMES FOR HELPING GET IT OPEN)

*sigh*

This leaves me wondering what I did to deserve this, even via karma....

And leaves me wanting to be at Stock more....and also be in Lethbridge...

Those two things are the things I grasp to....If I don't get the part I auditioned for...it will break my heart because Stock is a second home to me....I don't want to lose that before I have to....

Well, thats my rant, and my compets is 2 mins away from death.

yea...

ugh

ok well...I'm putting part of a FB note thingy in here first, just to skim over how I've been feeling...
Here are the rules: fuck the rules. You can do your own or not. Maybe I tagged you to find out more about you, or so you could find out more about me.

1. I have no idea how to acess the notes appilcation unless i am tagged in a note.

2. I feel most at home at Summerstock.

3. My dog is my baby and I would choose him over any guy.

4. I have secrets. Lots. I lie when i say i can tell someone everything about me.

5. I wish there was a person i could tell everything about me to. But I don't think there ever will.

6. The world is a fail of a place. Earth should blow up in 2012, I will be dissapointed if it doesn't. Humans have fucked it up too much.

6.5. I guess that means im a pessimist.

7. Lately I have a mask on.

8. PS - don't tell me that I can tell you everything, I still won't even if I know I could trust you with those secrets.

9. I know that this entire thing sounds sterotypical. But fuck it, I guess that's what I am.

10. There are many people I would love to kick in the groin. I say groin since it hurts both genders if you do it hard enough

11. I wish I could make up my mind on somethings

12. I hate parts of my body. It sounds like I'm joking when i say that I don't like my tummy or my thighs or my upper arms. I'm not. I mean it.

16. I would die to save my dogs life. he has been there for me no matter what. HE is the only one who knows all of my secrets. He can't tell a soul. but he does listen intentivly.

17. I wish i weren't so confused about some shit.

18. I can be a loser and silly, but lots of the time I am really happy when I get to be silly.

19. I can't wait to move to lethbridge for post secondary. I want to move on the some newer and hopefully better things.

19.5. That doesn't mean I hate my life here in Calgary, I love it here too.

20. Sorry if i make you feel life shit at times, if you're my friend, I honestly don't mean it.

20.5. Sorry if I hurt you as well. Again, if you're my friend, I don't mean it.

21. Sorry if I talk about myself too much. No ine asks questions about me if I pretend to spill out everything.

22. I act like Im tough and brave. I'm not. .

23. I am so happy I'm going to CA. But I also miss all of my old friends.

24. I cried when I wrote some of this. This is one of the closest things to telling the entire truth I've done in a long time.
-----------------------------------

Ok now, for my rant.

When you read the first part, you may get why I am in a slightly irratible mood lately. Also, one point I didn't put in is how I can lie to myself so well it is fucked up. Like how i feel all this crappy shit deep down, yet i can cover it up with lots of superficial happiness. (PS: Summerstock is not part of the superficial happiness)

Well, ok so I called up my BFF yesterday, and was like "Dude, I have the best double date idea. You, me, your BF and my BF shoudl get together on V-day, and have an epic double date. You and I will hook up at my house and cook a homemade meal for the boys for when they come over later in the evening; we can also decorate. The two boys would then get together before hand and plan out something special to do after we eat...My BFF and I could get all dolled up for it too!...Also, while we are cooking we can have an epic long over due girl talk session." I was pumped, she was pumped, we started throwing out ideas for what we were going to cook, and what we could decorate our eating area in...So then today at like 10pm she texts me saying the plan may be a no-go because her BF (and don't get me wrong, I love the boy) although he likes the double date idea, would like to just chill with her for the day and then go to a movie. And I totally understand that. Like, of course, It is v-day, the day for romance and couples, but still, she pretty much said yes to the double date thing.

And I don't find it fair that because her BF is all like "we should do stuff alone" should change that. Also, her and I NEVER get the chance to girl talk in person. we rarely have time to even do it over the phone. One of us is doing one thing or another - studying, homework, extracurricular activities, working ect...so this would have been the perfect oppertunity to catch up.

IDK, maybe I am so upset by this because I miss her. Or because I just wanted something to make perfect sense instead of being filled with random amounts of confusion and have the thought put into it be worth something better than school credits (again, Summerstock is except from this... I love to act and to sing, it is my release, I am doing something that I love, and helping myself at the same time)

I really don't know. I just am so confused and lost feeling. Since Ihave some of the best motivation to do well, I got into college, but at times I feel so unmotivatied...kinda of like Hamlet when it came to killing Claudius; Claudius murdered King Hamlet...ect ect, there is no need for me to start an english lesson....

I wish high school were over. So i could skip over all of the drama, go straight to my Grad ceremony, skip over the drama of diplomas, preform RENT as part of the principle chorus (if I get into principle....) then go to lethbridge and post secondary.