ugh

ok well...I'm putting part of a FB note thingy in here first, just to skim over how I've been feeling...
Here are the rules: fuck the rules. You can do your own or not. Maybe I tagged you to find out more about you, or so you could find out more about me.

1. I have no idea how to acess the notes appilcation unless i am tagged in a note.

2. I feel most at home at Summerstock.

3. My dog is my baby and I would choose him over any guy.

4. I have secrets. Lots. I lie when i say i can tell someone everything about me.

5. I wish there was a person i could tell everything about me to. But I don't think there ever will.

6. The world is a fail of a place. Earth should blow up in 2012, I will be dissapointed if it doesn't. Humans have fucked it up too much.

6.5. I guess that means im a pessimist.

7. Lately I have a mask on.

8. PS - don't tell me that I can tell you everything, I still won't even if I know I could trust you with those secrets.

9. I know that this entire thing sounds sterotypical. But fuck it, I guess that's what I am.

10. There are many people I would love to kick in the groin. I say groin since it hurts both genders if you do it hard enough

11. I wish I could make up my mind on somethings

12. I hate parts of my body. It sounds like I'm joking when i say that I don't like my tummy or my thighs or my upper arms. I'm not. I mean it.

16. I would die to save my dogs life. he has been there for me no matter what. HE is the only one who knows all of my secrets. He can't tell a soul. but he does listen intentivly.

17. I wish i weren't so confused about some shit.

18. I can be a loser and silly, but lots of the time I am really happy when I get to be silly.

19. I can't wait to move to lethbridge for post secondary. I want to move on the some newer and hopefully better things.

19.5. That doesn't mean I hate my life here in Calgary, I love it here too.

20. Sorry if i make you feel life shit at times, if you're my friend, I honestly don't mean it.

20.5. Sorry if I hurt you as well. Again, if you're my friend, I don't mean it.

21. Sorry if I talk about myself too much. No ine asks questions about me if I pretend to spill out everything.

22. I act like Im tough and brave. I'm not. .

23. I am so happy I'm going to CA. But I also miss all of my old friends.

24. I cried when I wrote some of this. This is one of the closest things to telling the entire truth I've done in a long time.
-----------------------------------

Ok now, for my rant.

When you read the first part, you may get why I am in a slightly irratible mood lately. Also, one point I didn't put in is how I can lie to myself so well it is fucked up. Like how i feel all this crappy shit deep down, yet i can cover it up with lots of superficial happiness. (PS: Summerstock is not part of the superficial happiness)

Well, ok so I called up my BFF yesterday, and was like "Dude, I have the best double date idea. You, me, your BF and my BF shoudl get together on V-day, and have an epic double date. You and I will hook up at my house and cook a homemade meal for the boys for when they come over later in the evening; we can also decorate. The two boys would then get together before hand and plan out something special to do after we eat...My BFF and I could get all dolled up for it too!...Also, while we are cooking we can have an epic long over due girl talk session." I was pumped, she was pumped, we started throwing out ideas for what we were going to cook, and what we could decorate our eating area in...So then today at like 10pm she texts me saying the plan may be a no-go because her BF (and don't get me wrong, I love the boy) although he likes the double date idea, would like to just chill with her for the day and then go to a movie. And I totally understand that. Like, of course, It is v-day, the day for romance and couples, but still, she pretty much said yes to the double date thing.

And I don't find it fair that because her BF is all like "we should do stuff alone" should change that. Also, her and I NEVER get the chance to girl talk in person. we rarely have time to even do it over the phone. One of us is doing one thing or another - studying, homework, extracurricular activities, working ect...so this would have been the perfect oppertunity to catch up.

IDK, maybe I am so upset by this because I miss her. Or because I just wanted something to make perfect sense instead of being filled with random amounts of confusion and have the thought put into it be worth something better than school credits (again, Summerstock is except from this... I love to act and to sing, it is my release, I am doing something that I love, and helping myself at the same time)

I really don't know. I just am so confused and lost feeling. Since Ihave some of the best motivation to do well, I got into college, but at times I feel so unmotivatied...kinda of like Hamlet when it came to killing Claudius; Claudius murdered King Hamlet...ect ect, there is no need for me to start an english lesson....

I wish high school were over. So i could skip over all of the drama, go straight to my Grad ceremony, skip over the drama of diplomas, preform RENT as part of the principle chorus (if I get into principle....) then go to lethbridge and post secondary.