Ok so - Imma posting a convo zach and i are having...

Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Well you remember when you told me that the odds of this becoming serious were increadably slim?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
yes - and it all depends on how you define serious. but continue
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Well to me that sounded like you have no hope for this
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
thats not exactly what i meant
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
it is me being realistic
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know. but still....it was pesimistic
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
sorry
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
and it hurt
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
im sorry
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
thinking you held no hope for this
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
It hurt a lot...
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
it's not that i don't. what i meant was the whole long long term thing freaked/freaks me out. i don't want to ever lead you on
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
but im sorry
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know you are....and im not trying to think of the future, but to me that sounded like you didn't think there even could be one. im not saying there will be, im not saying there won't. but im not weighing the odds
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
that is my effort in trying to live in the now when it involves me and other people
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
with my own - seperate future that only i can control i plan for that. but not when it has to do with other people as well
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I understand. But to me that said "This can never be" like you didn't even acknolage that it could be. Im not being unrealistic, im just not thinking of the odds.
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know the whole idea of a serious relationship freaks you out....and i acknolage and respect it.
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
but you don't UNDERSTAND it
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
you know where it comes from and why
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
but you don't understand it
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I know that it makes you scared of being hurt again...and you cope with that by not keeping your hopes up.
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
it's not that that's how i cope persay
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
it's how i prevent
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
.....i....i see....and i think i understand
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
..
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
tell me how you're interperating this?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i can't clarify anything unless i know that
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Well....im not going to lie..is sounds like to keep yourself from being hurt you keep your heart locked away, And refuse to love anyone. and i don't blame you for that....
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
kinda
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
not that i refuse
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i kinda forget how
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
and lack the urge
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i dunno how to explain it right
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
you don't want to love?...
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
no it's not like that
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
i want to...i just i dunno
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
can't
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
You can't love anymore?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
that sounds morbid
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Yeah. a lot
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
yea
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
god this is hard to explain
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Please. I would help so much...
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
It*
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
ok, imma going to try
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
don't reply until im done
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
k
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
infact, turn around and when i am i shall send you a nudge
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
Ok so, i know that i;ve told you how i felt when jamie and i spilt. but now i shall go into full and complete detail. no holding back on how i felt. We had lasted almost a year, litterall 2 weeks off. I loved him so god damn much that when we spilt i felt unwhole. like part of me was missing. He became a part of me. Hell, even Mr.Carlson called him my other half. I cried every day, more th
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
more than once i day when we spilt. even when my mom took me to the spa in cour d'lane; i cried not during the massage but after - any time i was alone i did. I took the dog for a walk and cried. everday day. I felt like a wanted to get hit by a truck or something (not kill myself. that would be stupid) I couldn't eat, i went from 111ish to about 90 in a week or so. Sleeping became harder too
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
to do. I cried until i puked numerous times; or nearly puked. It had to be one of the hardest things i went through. Right up there with my grandma's death. I mean, this boy was with me when my dog died, when my bird died. he was my first true love and if given the chance i would have stayed with him until i died. I would have fucked him for god sake. He was the one who declined. (good on
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
(good on him)
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
imagin how all of that loos would affect you?
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
having part of you die and break and then have to put all of that back together and fill the void left with something new - something good and healthy. It hurts more than the body (like the stuff I told you - that heals faster) but the mind. it leaves a scar there. You can be totally over the person (like i am) but it still hurts. it changes your point of view on things - lots of things.
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
but i made an acception for you. fuck even opening myself up to dating you was hard. very very hard. and yes. learning HOW to love is hard and will take - as i realized - longer than i thought it would. In my head i though that after i was over jamie that it would be easy to love again. it isn't. not in the least. the first time came to me so easily it was almost flawless; i mean we
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
started dating 9 days into the school year. It is so hard to love again. so hard and frankly i don't want to try to force it along by even thinking about it. thinking about my numerous mental flaws when it comes to the entire ide aof love and how lame i am when it comes to it hurts. like i mean hurts. It makes me feel like such a failure. I mean shit, i feel like a failure over this.
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
something that came so easily before i can't even muster up the want to put energy into thinking about how to love again - but i do anyways which hurts. The idea of you loving me - I'm chill with. But the idea of me romantically loving anyone is hard to do and hurts me to do.

You have just sent a nudge.

You may not send a nudge that often.

Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
done......
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
and?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
.......
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
whats "..." mean?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I...
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
/
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
???
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
That...
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
that is?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Thats hurt more than anything you've ever said to me.....
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
But
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
....

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Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
whats wrong
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
next time i should just say sorry and be done with it
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
No
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
That needed to be said
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
don't apologize
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
can i see you again?
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
Please...
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
no
+*~!:Laurbear:!~*+ says:
please finish what you were going to say before
Zach sees the world as a series of doors and hallways says:
I.....I understand....that needed to be said....That hurt more than anything you've ever said before, hearing that you offered yourself to him...and that you would have stayed with him until....But now i understand...i understand why you don't...why you don't love me. And....I accept it...or at least ill try as best i can. You said that loving anyone now would hurt you...I don't want you to hurt
from loving me if you ever do